Monday, May 03, 2004
Life will never be the same (I appologize for this being so long but I needed to vent.)
I dont really feel much like posting, or answering my emails, or even being on the computer at all really. I feel really bad about it, all I want to do is lay in bed and watch KITH. I dont think it's fair for me to reply to your emails when i'm so...blah..right now and my heads not straight. So I guess I could post about why I dont feel like doing all those things...
The wedding was...uneventfull. I cried three maybe four times. two were because of my uncle Chuck, and the other was because of my dad. See my dad and Dwayna had their first dance and then after that it was announced that there would be a dance w/"Tony's Children".(we were refered to like that ALL night, like we didn't have names or anything, where's Tony's kids?! Where's Tony's Daughter...etc.) So we go out there to Dance and my dad starts saying all this shit to me and I start to cry, and I felt so bad because my tears weren't for him or Dwayna they were for my mother. All four times I cried it was for my mother. I realized now that I had my front up before this thing, and was acting like I didn't care, but once they pronouced them Mr. and Mrs. Jack the hate started to build up. Seeing them happy w/their fairy tale wedding made me hate them so much! I know I should say hate because I really dont, maybe Jealious is a good word?? Seeing my Dad so happy while my mother and me are so miserable, knowing that it's my mom that deserives to be happy and NOT my father.
At rehearsal Friday night, I spent the whole time talking with My Uncle Chuck(not blood uncle, known dad for 30+ years though)Where ever he was I was, where ever I was he was type of thing. And I think we are closer now than we ever were before. He told me at rehearsal that he didn't even want to be in the wedding and that had this also been her second wedding he wouldn't have agreed to it but that Dwayna deserved to have a nice wedding.(not my dad) And those are my feelings exactly. But he kept telling me how much he missed my mother and kept asking me how I felt and how I know Dwayna will NEVER take my mothers place.(Which I already knew) but he actually told me that HE told them both this, which shocked me. So now lets fast forward to the wedding reception, where my Uncle Chuck has to make his best man speech. Everyone including my dad was expecting him to make a long speech and he didn't. I dont even think he talked for even a whole min.(He basically said that knowing my dad has made him a better person, meaning seeing my dad fuck up his good marriage made my uncle love his family even more...etc. yet my dad doesn't know this, but I do cause he told me!) After his speech we got to go up and get our food, so naturaly me and Tony wait for Uncle Chuck and we go up together to get our food. Well, Uncle was still balling his eyes out, and I kept telling him it was a nice speech...etc. And he told Tony and me that he didn't want to make the speech and the WHOLE time he was up there all he could think about was my Mom and Tony and I. And he didn't want to hurt us and it didn't feel right saying things about them because of how much he misses my mom ...etc. So naturaly I start crying because I didn't think he cared as much for us as he did. So we dried our eyes and ate or dinner and then came the dance w/Tony's kids where I cried. The third time was I was talking to my Uncle and my Dad comes up saying how happy is and how glad he is we shared in his happyness and I started to cry again thinking about my mom and how unfair this is and how unhappy I was. I felt SO OUT OF PLACE at that wedding, esp. w/being called "Tony's Daughter" all the fuckn' time. Lets put it this way, there were 14-16 tables FULL of people right? My family(including close friends that ARE like family) fit at one table and still had chairs left over! I knew nobody, and I knew I wouldn't. I couldn't wait for the evening to end, and neither could my 2 uncles. If I wasn't w/Uncle Chuck I was w/Uncle Ken and if they went to the bar to get a drink I just sat there alone. My father hardly talked to us, kept talking and Dancing w/Dwayna's family while we sat there bord off our asses. So I was forced to sit and do nothing but over hear people saying how wonderful my dad is and how Dwayna has really found a nice man. If they only knew...
So now I have a step mom and i'm none to happy about it because i've never had one before and it's DEFINATLY going to take some getting used to. Just the thought of knowing that they are married sets it all in stone and that they are going to probably have children of there own...etc. Yet I dont even think it has set fully set in yet.
Gods bless the Kids in the Hall for always being their for me when i'm feeling really shitty. I dunno how I would get threw life w/out my precious KITH.
Marie @ 3:05 PM